Sunday, March 3, 2013

...she was afraid that it might eat her whole being, the fact that it might, scared her not because it might happen, but because she fear she'll lose herself; the self that she had built for years in such a fragile manner.

She didn't know exactly what was missing. She had no idea what it was that she's been longing for her whole life. She couldn't recognize the sudden pain inside her, longing to feel special, but always coming off short for anybody to realize that she needed someone as well. She was clueless of who she really was. Trying so hard to figure out what it was that she's good at, for she didn't have any good talent to offer. She knew one thing for sure though, she knew that she will never be good enough for anybody. She always wondered why so, she had more than a million different reasons in mind, but she wasn't certain what the truth really was. She was afraid to fall in love; she always wanted to, though. The thought of it always made her feel giddy inside. She always wanted to give, but she was afraid she'd never get anything in return, not that she wanted much of it, she just thought that if she did, she'd feel special, for once. But she was never certain for she has always been the second best, she has never been the first choice. She thought maybe she did something so wrong, she didn't deserve to be someone's first choice. She thought maybe she'd make a good option, not a priority. She always wondered what it was that others have, that she, unfortunately didn't posses.

She's still trying to figure out the reasons behind all her questions, but she figured she'll never get her answers. She was hopeful, though. She figured she'll be okay. After all, she knew nobody will ever understand what she feels but herself. She wasn't emotionally distressed, she was just... Tired, for lack of a better word. She just wished she knew. It has always been a battle for her to try to feel good about herself while feeling otherwise. She hoped that one day, like everyone else, whether in a stormy day or a sunny day, coffee shop or library, that she, somehow, will be loved.