Happy 20th birthday to the person closest to my heart. The world is blessed with someone annoying and loud like you. Without people like you, life would be too normal, that's not always what this world needs. :p I hope you get everything you wished for. Although we are thousands of miles away, I know you know that I'm celebrating with you. Thank you for everything. I'm glad you're in my life. I'll see you soon po. :)


P.S. You're old.

Remember when...

I saw you again for the first time that senior year in HS looking buff and different? That time you saw me enter that english class and smiled? "You're in this class, it won't be as boring anymore." That day you told me everything about your flaws, or the day you told me about your dad. Remember when you used to ditch your class becauuse you didn't care and walked with me around campus to give out passes? How about those days we'd hangout with our friend after class everyday to either eat-out, go to the gym, or just go to places. How about those chill days watching that one scary movie afterschool because it was so boring we can't take watching it in one sitting? How about that day I helped you with laundry but ended up watching a movie on netflix cos who likes doing the laundry anyways. That day you first met my parents just because you were bored at home and wanted to hangout. And that same day when my mom let us try to drink wine just cos. How about the day we went to eat at Red Robin for the first time because I've never tried it before. And went to the movie theater before picking up my sister at school. Remember when that Army Recruiter talked to us about joining the Military and you were so interested that we had to go there to take the exam? You enlisted. How about that day we went to the zoo twice, one was because we didn't feel like going to the state fair, and the other was cos you went with me to school just cos. That same day we ate a thai restaurant because you know how much I love it. On my 19th birthday, you picked me up and drove me to school, went to buy groceries for what you're making me after class, and went back to pick me up not knowing you had a giraffe stuffed toy and roses buckled up in the passenger seat. That same day when we ate with your parents and your dad said, "He's never cooked us a meal before." I felt so special that I was the reason why you did. How about on your 19th birthday, we went on a picnic, and I made you fettucine because you love that, and that horrible cake that your stepmom came to love no matter ugly it looked like. Jow about your last week until you left for BT and you woke up early every morning to pick me up and drop me off to school and you'd wait in your car while I'm in class? I thought it was sweet simce you dont ever wake up early for anybody. And how about that day we went to Red Robin for the last time and swore not to go eat there again until you get back from the Army? Your last day that you spent with me and our friend, and your last meal at Bjs and how you looked so sad that whole day, while I was trying to pretend everything's going to be alright. And remember when we had that last hug for a long time, our final goodbye til we see each other again. And the first week that you were gone, I don't think you would ever know how broken I was. How broken I felt. There are so many memories, much more than what I wrote down. Those memories will stay with me forever. I hope you're happy where you are. I hope you are. 

I don't think they will ever know how much it hurts. I guess maybe this is one of the many reasons why I can never let you go even if I wanted to. You are so important to me and I have no idea how to tell others that. You mean so much to me and it breaks my heart that no one understands what I feel. You have given me both heaven and hell and they were all worth it. I don't know how to live my life without you anymore and maybe that is what kept me going back to you no matter how hard I try to keep myself away. I try to find joy some place else and I do find happiness, the kind of happiness I know I need, but nothing compares to the joy you bring me. I hope they knew. I really hope they did.. </3

For awhile we pretended that we never had to end it, but we knew we had to say goodbye. Torn in two, and I know I shouldn't tell you but I just can't stop thinking of you. You, wherever you are; every night I almost call you, just to say part of me will always choose to be with you. I can say we'll be together, someday. But nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same. So why can't I stop feeling this way?

Fear no one but yourself.

I am the problem. I don't know what I want and what I deserve. I always think so low about myself to the point I am so destructible. I am a lost soul and I hurt so easily. I hurt people's feelings around me silently and it's a shame. I am so insecure, not a single compliment helps. Why am I this way? What went wrong.. I am my own enemy and I hate myself for being this way. I need to know what I want. I need to be okay with the consequences. I need to be a better person, I should know better..

I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed...

It hurts more than I ever imagined. I miss you so much and it hurts so badly. I know this is just a phase, but damn, how long do I have to feel this way? I miss everything about you; the way you laugh and cry, the way you look at me when you're sorry, mad, happy or sad. The way you look when you sleep, those moments I doubted you because it didn't seem like you actually meant what you've told me; or because you were lazy and you don't listen to anyone when your mind is set to something you want. I miss fighting with you, and how irritated you get when I interrupt you while you're talking. I miss it when you get mad at me because I don't listen to you. No matter how opposite we are, we are so alike at the same time. I guess I just miss you, maybe? It's been almost a month now and I really do wish you're happy where you are. I hope it's nice and that life is treating you well.

A Stranger's Heart

Technicolored life, but all I can see is black and white.
Overpopulated school, but I only search for you in this crowded room.
Without knowing what you did, you took a weak part of me that will always draw me to you.
Strong admiration, good intentions, peer pressure interests;
My feelings don't change one bit.
Creepy in a way, but flattering altogether.
Don't drown from the words, instead take them all and carry them with you.
You'll probably never understand, nor ever see this, but if you do, I hope you'll think that it's you.
When you look my way, I always try to look away as fast as I could.
Wishing every morning to see you,
Just to get a glimpse of you.
It may seem stalker-ish, but really I'm just interested.
I think I'm giving away too much, maybe I should just give up.
Watching from afar, it gets tiring everyday.
Seeing you with the girl you like, it shouldn't even matter, but part of me aches everytime; so I look away.
Assuming that you feel something too, but doubtful because it's impossible.
You set yourself as a person with high standards, but I see someone who's reaching out for a hand that understands.
Walking confidently, being quiet all the time, responsible actions;
I see them all, a stranger's heart as pure as gold.
I know this is pointless, stupid, and nonsense;
It's just that, you struck something in me.
A somewhat poem, but really I can't write one.

Calm down, this is just a phase. I'll get over it. Don't flatter yourself too much. Don't get ahead of yourself. :) lol

"The wound begin to close in on itself, to protect what is hurting so much. And once it is closed, you no longer see what is underneath, what started the pain."

It's inevitable to feel pain everytime you hear or see something that once was so close to you, then all of a sudden, you're not a part of whatever it is that they are experiencing. At some point in our lives, we meet people who will change us, and who will bring the best out of us; some are meant to teach us lessons, and some are meant to be kept, but unfortunately, there are some who will bring out the best in you but are also meant to leave you, and most of the time, they are the once we may feel like calling as 'the one that got away.' There will also come a point in our lives where we'll be able to accept all the differences and all the things we have to let go. Long story short, we learn acceptance. We learn to accept that life goes on, people change, and situation gets a lot more complicated as we old. We learn to adapt to life and its bittersweet cycle. Go with the flow, keep your feet on the ground, and remind yourself everyday to make the best out of yourself.

If you have it bad today, remember, you are being challenged now so you can have the good in the future. Battles are good, they make you stronger.

"Thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and he was a hurricane."

... I wish.

...she was afraid that it might eat her whole being, the fact that it might, scared her not because it might happen, but because she fear she'll lose herself; the self that she had built for years in such a fragile manner.

She didn't know exactly what was missing. She had no idea what it was that she's been longing for her whole life. She couldn't recognize the sudden pain inside her, longing to feel special, but always coming off short for anybody to realize that she needed someone as well. She was clueless of who she really was. Trying so hard to figure out what it was that she's good at, for she didn't have any good talent to offer. She knew one thing for sure though, she knew that she will never be good enough for anybody. She always wondered why so, she had more than a million different reasons in mind, but she wasn't certain what the truth really was. She was afraid to fall in love; she always wanted to, though. The thought of it always made her feel giddy inside. She always wanted to give, but she was afraid she'd never get anything in return, not that she wanted much of it, she just thought that if she did, she'd feel special, for once. But she was never certain for she has always been the second best, she has never been the first choice. She thought maybe she did something so wrong, she didn't deserve to be someone's first choice. She thought maybe she'd make a good option, not a priority. She always wondered what it was that others have, that she, unfortunately didn't posses.

She's still trying to figure out the reasons behind all her questions, but she figured she'll never get her answers. She was hopeful, though. She figured she'll be okay. After all, she knew nobody will ever understand what she feels but herself. She wasn't emotionally distressed, she was just... Tired, for lack of a better word. She just wished she knew. It has always been a battle for her to try to feel good about herself while feeling otherwise. She hoped that one day, like everyone else, whether in a stormy day or a sunny day, coffee shop or library, that she, somehow, will be loved.

Semper fidelis

"Always faithful," "Always loyal." This motto has always been one of my favorites. I believe that in every aspect of what we do in life should include faithfulness. In family, friends, work, and love. All things take time, and it takes patience to get the best. I want to believe that once I find it, that it will also be the last to ever wait for it. I want to be able to be sure that it will last. I want to believe that it is worth the wait. I know one day it will happen, I just hope that it'll feel right. On the real, not a lot of people take the time to get to know me. I guess because I really have nothing to offer. I mean, how can I blame them? Look at me. There's a lot of 'em more worthy than I. Go with the flow, they said. I guess I will.

"Wherever you are, and no matter what's going on in your life, when it's the first night of the full moon, I want you to find it in the night time sky. I want you to think about me because wherever I am, no matter what's going on in my life, that's exactly what i'll be doing. If we can't be together, at least we can share that, and maybe between the two of us, we can make this last forever" -Dear John

Something about this quote makes me want to fall in love. Ehh, I guess I'm such a hopeless romantic from all the books I've read. But I want to believe that one day, I'll meet someone who will be able to make me feel like I'm good enough. Then I'll know it's real.. Hopefully.

I think I love you better now.

Lego House

Ed Sheeran

I'm gonna pick up the pieces,

And build a Lego house

If things go wrong we can knock it down

My three words have two meanings,

There's one thing on my mind

It's all for you

And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm

If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

I'm gonna paint you by numbers

And colour you in

If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before

Now I'll surrender up my heart

And swap it for yours

I think my braces are breaking, and it's more than I can take

And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm

If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now

Love does things for reasons that reason itself cannot understand.

Isn't it complicated how life can make you feel so good and bad almost always at the same time? It's like you can't have the good without the bad, or you can't truly be happy without the suffering. It's impossible to just be.. Happy. It's a fact that what comes easy wont last, and what lasts, won't come easy. I'd want to meet the person who'll turn my nights into days. I'll meet him in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't. There's not a thing in life that's certain, everything changes. All we could ever do is accept all the possible outcomes of our decisions.
One day. Someday..

It would be nice to decide for myself for a change.

I love my life and all, but sometimes I can't help but think that I may not be living it the way I want to.
I want to be able to decide for myself and live up to it. I want to be able to make mistakes and be okay with them as long as I'm learning. I want to be able to do what I want to do and be trusted that I'm not doing anything wrong, because I know my limitations. I want to choose for myself, to be independent, but I can't do all these because I feel as though everything is planned out for me. They've decided what kinds of things they want to happen in my life. Please don't get me wrong, I know they're only trying to protect me and to provide better things for me, but I want to feel alive. I want to live my life. If only they know what I feel, it wouldn't be this difficult.. :/

I'm not really good for much of anything.

And that saddens me.
I mean I am aware that I'm not as bright as everyone else, but I want to be able to feel that I am worth something.
I think that it's unfair how I'm starting to forget most of the things I used to know so well. I don't understand what's wrong with me, to tell you the truth. There are a lot of things that I don't understand with myself. It's almost like I'm a stanger of my own ghost. And I guess I'm letting my guard down just by saying this, but I'm really insecure. It's depressing because sometimes it has its tendency to eat my whole being, and I'm kind of relieved that it hasn't. I don't know, I guess I am because like what I said, I'm not good for much of anything, I have nothing to offer. I feel like I always have to work hard on something, and I mean real hard to get to my goal, and most of the time, I come off short; no, forget that, I always come off short. It makes me sad that I feel this kind of emotion, the kind that I hate of all things...

Foolish Heart, stop before you start falling.

I need a love that grows

I don't want it unless I know

But with each passin hour

Someone, somehow

Will be there, ready to share

I need a love that's strong

I'm so tired of being alone

But will my lonely heart

Play the part

Of the fool again, before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling

Stop before you start falling

Foolish heart, heed my warning

You've been wrong before

Don't be wrong anymore

I'm feelin that feelin again

I've been playin a game I can't win

Love's knockin on the door

Of my heart once more

Think I'll let him in

Before I begin

Hey Stranger, When May I Call You My Own?

Hey stranger, when may I call you my own

I know I don't know you, but there's somewhere I've seen you before

Whatever your name is, whatever you do

There's nothing between us I'm willing to loose

Just call me if ever our paths may climb

I want you to call me under these darkened sky's

Whoever you love, whoever you kiss

The wandering between us I'm willing to miss

Now I'm drifting out over deep oceans

And the tide won't take me back in

And these desperate nights I'll call you again and again

There's comfort, comfort in things we believe

Other than danger, wanting the things I can't see

Where ever you live now, where ever you walk

There's distance between us I'm willing to cross

Now I'm drifting out over deep oceans

And the tide won't take me back in

And these desperate nights I'll call you again and again

Now I'm drifting out over deep oceans

And the tide won't take me back in

And these desperate nights I'll call you again and again

Hey stranger, when may I call you my own

I know I don't know you, but there's somewhere I've seen you before.

I have the best friends ever! ☺

I cannot thank God enough for having such wonderful friends surrounding me. No matter how far away we are from each other, we still manage to get in touch and it seems almost like nothing's changed despite the years I last saw them. I am grateful for the love and appreciation. I will be forever grateful and you guys will always be in my heart, always. ❤

"I don't regret this life they chose for me, but these places and thesefaces are getting old..."

I miss home. I miss my family that I love so dearly. I miss my friends, the only ones that forsure won't leave me. I miss the weather and the rain. I miss all the things I used to do, and how easy it was to be happy, to find happiness. I miss all the places that I used to always go to when I have nothing better to do. I miss talking to my friends/bestfriends face to face when I was feeling down or just randomly. I miss the friendly neighbors we have. I miss all the faces that never failed to make me smile. I miss the people who made sure that I'm loved and wanted. I miss so many things and it's driving me nuts. :(

This life that I have right now, I'm just as grateful as I've always been, it's just that I miss home. I've learned so many things here and I think I've grown so much as a person, but I want to escape even just for a day. This reality/real world is draining my whole being. I need to breathe. I want to feel happiness again, the genuine kind of feeling. But I know that I need to be strong. Life is such a butt. :/